Like so many opportunities of late, the invitation to participate in the Gratitude and Trust Summit rose from the ashes of failed plans for another project two months earlier. The masterminds and hosts of the event—my friend, screenwriter, and New York Times bestselling author Tracey Jackson; Academy Award winner and Grammy-winning songwriter and producer Paul Williams; and internet pioneer, Jeff Pulver—booked New York City’s historic 92nd Street YMCA and billed it as a conference about shedding old, worn out habits and replacing them with new, healthy, productive ones. It was a day filled with motivational speakers and panels who all shared their experiences and ways of moving forward through life’s challenges.
The Bigger Picture
Love Wins. Every Time.
How can “I” as a Christian be happy about Friday’s Supreme Court ruling in favor of same-sex marriage? Grab a seat and I’ll tell you.
(Happy) Fathers Day
Fathers Day is always an emotional day for me. Some years the day brims with fond memories of my father, his ebullience, strength, and character. Other years, those remembrances take a backseat to my own sense of loss. Given the murders of nine people in a Bible study at Charleston’s historically black Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal (A.M.E.) Church four days ago, I’m still a cauldron of mixed emotions. And probably will be for some time.
A Word or Two About My Dad
My dad and me, circa 1965.
Twenty-one years ago today my father died, and if you will, indulge me whilst I bare my soul this day.
Closing Wounds and Opening Windows
The following is an excerpt from Walking Tall: A Memoir About the Upside of Small and Other Stuff
I always thought the phrase “When God closes a door, He opens a window” was inaccurate. I understood the concept of good things coming out of bad circumstances, but the closed-door open-window adage irritated me because it implied either one thing or the other was happening: God was withdrawing opportunities or presenting opportunities.
Desert or Oasis? You Decide.
Ever felt like you were living in circumstances that seemed totally unrelated to who you are or even where you wanted to be? I have. A friend likened it to being a teacher without students and wondering, “now what am I supposed to do?”
It’s taken a long time for me to really grasp this concept, but as a child of God, it helps me to remember that He’s pretty much got everything under control. While I might not be where I want to be, I’m called to faithfully rest in the knowledge that I’m exactly where He wants me to be.
“Okay, Clay. Great. I’m where God wants me to be. What do I do in the meantime, Mr. Know-It-All?” you ask.
Not that I claim to know the mind of God, but when I’m in those periods that seem very much like the backside of the desert, I’ve found it good to keep these scenarios in mind.
- Blessing. Sometimes I’ve been where I was not to fulfill my own desires, but to be a blessing to someone else. And that always involved being involved and attentive to others. With a little empathy and compassion, you’ll know exactly who to lend a hand to.
- Preparing. Other times when I’ve felt like I was “out there,” God was preparing me for something else a little further down the road. When I started blogging, it was simply something to do and the only thing I could do. Little did I know that I was developing my writing voice.
- Recharging. And still other times, those desert periods were moments of oasis in disguise. I’ve come to accept that stretches of peace and calm are good for resting up for my next adventure.
So remember, you’re wasting your time if you’re not getting the most from where you are by being a blessing to someone else, engaging in your surroundings, or refreshing yourself.
3 Credos To Aid in Fighting Depression
The death of Robin Williams resonates with me for a number of reasons. First and foremost because I have dealt with depression. And while I was never moved to the point to take my own life, I can say were it not for close caring friends and the help of a really good therapist, there but for the grace of God go I.
Valentines Day: Straight, No Chaser
I have a friend named Gracie who revealed, in light of the annual recognition of all things love, her anguish over a failed relationship from six years ago. The last thing Gracie wanted or needed from me was cursory “get over it” or “you should be happy for him.” I put on my tuffy pants and we had a chat about fear, pain, and a few other messy topics.
I told Gracie that for whatever reason, the feelings of bliss she and Sir Douche shared came to an end. And that kind of rejection hurts. Deeply. From where I stood, it looked like she had been holding on to rose-colored memories of the way she thought things were; feelings of resentment, angst, and agita; which resulted in her keeping their heart closed to potential opportunities because she was afraid of being rejected. Over the years, Gracie mixed in fears of never finding someone who would love her the way she thought her ex did. How could she grab on to something new while holding on to something old.
Gracie warmed up to the idea that when faced with the option of living in a new (or potentially uncomfortable) emotional space, she might be reliving previous hurts not because it felt good, but because it was familiar. The majority of people would much rather stay in what’s familiar—even if it’s painful—than tread the deep waters of the unfamiliar regardless of how beneficial the end result might be.
This is where I thought my head was going to pop off. Gracie’s wasted eight years of her life on someone who has moved on and hasn’t looked back. Gracie lives in Chicago. There are dozens, if not hundreds of available men out there who would be more than happy to go out with her, if she gave them a chance. Those are pretty good odds, when you consider that all she needs is one man. But you know what? Gracie can’t meet them because she’s comfortable wallowing in the “that was the only man who’ll ever love me” stew.
This was difficult conversation to have with Gracie, but sometimes a good friend is the only one who’ll give it to you straight, with no chaser.
You see, Gracie has so much going for her. She’s smart, funny, personable, has the biggest heart for people, and she doesn’t bullshit people. When she gives her word, people know that Gracie will take care of it. This woman has character, and I don’t mean that in any theatrical sense. She’s got backbone, the intangible “it” scores of people pretend to have. And when she wants to, Gracie can look like a million bucks.
Gracie doesn’t get that the aforementioned qualities are gifts from God. Not every man is looking for a woman with character. And that’s okay, because any man who’s less than her equal doesn’t deserve her. What’s most frustrating is that she doesn’t see all that she is and all that she’s been given. She doesn’t see what it is we who know and love her admire about her.
To Gracie, and anyone else out there looking to make a change in their life, it’s not as hard as you’re imagining it to be. You want to talk about hard choices? I know people—who have faced cancer, the loss of a loved one, have shed some serious weight, battled drug addiction and/or alcohol, and dealt with the loss of a child—I’ll put you in touch with them. There’s no magic pill or frontal lobotomy that gets you through it. Change is a process and it’s done minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. It’s a choice. Yes, it’s work to move from what’s comfortable into the unknown, but think of it this way: you’re not putting yourself “out there,” you’re putting yourself back into yourself.
Little by little, anyone can do it. Sometimes we can treat ourselves worse than anyone else on the planet. And in those instances, we’re the only ones who can change that. A little confidence goes a long way.
If you’ve got a word or two of encouragement for Gracie, please feel free to leave your thoughts as a comment on this post. I’m sure she’d relish reading them. Thanks.
2013—What the Hell Was That All About?
Looking back, my 2013 consisted of more year-round coursework at the School of Hard Knocks. Here’s a review of the ups, downs, and in-betweens of my studies.
Winter Quarter
January After completing my twelfth and (unbeknownst to me at the time) final season with the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, I returned to Orlando, slept for a few days and began reading the source material for my next book “The Raindancer.”
February marked the beginning of a three-year commitment to serve as a lector (someone who reads scripture) at the cathedral. The dean (the head priest at a cathedral appointed by the bishop) was eager to have me onboard and made arrangements for the construction of a custom step unit which is virtually invisible from any pew to aid me in reaching the podium’s microphone. You might think the transition to ecclesiastical podium from stage facile given my years of experience in live theater, but it proved to be more nerve-wracking than even I expected. My training included an intensive orientation to lector protocol, choreography, and for three different services. Granted no genuflecting is involved, but there’s enough formalities to make a professional understudy nervous.
Spring Quarter
March The highlight: serving as the lector for the 8:00 a.m. service on Easter Sunday. Ah-mazing!
April 2013 marked my mother’s eightieth birthday. My plan was to send my mother on a week-long cruise, but after the Carnival Cruise Lines mishap in the Gulf of Mexico, a lot of hemming and hawing on my mom’s part, and one remaining day for me to get a 100% refund for the cruise, I finally got it out of her that relaxing on the high seas was the last thing she wanted to do. What did she want? A quiet dinner with her family. So much for my easy “get-her-to-the-ship-on-time” solution, hello Plan B: dinner party for twenty. And if you’ve ever thrown a dinner party, you know how easy that is. (The previous sentence was abject sarcasm.) Despite minimal support from my siblings, mom’s birthday dinner was a success.
Lesson learned: expressions of gratitude are not about the gift, it’s about the recipient and their wishes.
Also in April, I made my annual pilgrimage to New York to audition for the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. While there, I took in a show (“Motown the Musical”), saw a couple of friends, and had a fabulous meal with an old friend from the Christmas Spectacular at Tremont.
Summer Quarter
Early June No contract offer to participate in the 2013 Christmas Spectacular. The most bitter aspect of that jagged little pill: missing friends I’d made over the years and the culture shock of being in Orlando for the holidays.
Lesson learned: being a friend is no guarantee that the gesture will be returned in kind.
Late June At the gracious invitation of the aforementioned Tremont friend from the Christmas show and his fiancée, my dog Jack and I got to see how the other half summers when we took a much anticipated vacation in the Hamptons. The week was glorious. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so lauded, chauffeured, and well-fed. Needless to say, a deeper friendship has been forged.
Lesson learned: go where you’re celebrated, not where you’re tolerated.
August ushered in a hellish bout of depression. I’m sure getting cock-blocked for the third time by the same person at a Disney interview had a lot to do with it. I also have to make note of one beneficent friend who went to great lengths to brighten my disposition. Great lengths. Thanks, Greg.
Lesson learned: when God closes a door, more often than not, that mo-fo ain’t re-opening for a long time so don’t waste your time trying to open it.
Fall Quarter
September For roughly five months, I pored over notes, interviews, photos, and the like, and wrote the book proposal for my second book, and received the greenlight to begin writing the first draft. Despite, downturns in just about every other aspect of my life; preparations for this book went smashingly well.
And I must give kudos to friends (old and new) who have been generous with their time in sharing their deeply personal stories and others who shared professional knowledge with me.
Lesson learned: leave the locked door alone and go for the window, especially when there are people willing to help.
Early October I sold quite a few copies of my book once I got over the fear of becoming that guy who’s always saying, “buy my book, buy my book, buy my book.”
October through November I threw myself headlong into writing the first draft of “The Raindancer.” I hoped to have the entire first draft completed by the end of the year, but amidst Christmas withdrawals, Facebook updates about Christmas in New York, and conducting more interviews and research for the book than anticipated, I only got through the first quarter of it.
Winter Quarter
December Writing this book is both a personal and professional challenge. I have a vision for where it should go and what I think God wants it to be. He’s supplying the resources to get it written, but in all honesty . . . I’m a little afraid of the task that lies before me. I shipped off copies of what I have of the first draft to key people for feedback. In my heart of hearts I wanted them all to say that it was beyond my abilities, just plain awful, or that the family wanted to put a stop to the project.
Well.
You’ll be glad to know that God has no intention of stopping my involvement with the project and I have no intention of sabotaging this work He’s begun. The family wants to forge on, the medical advisors like it, and I have nothing to take up my time otherwise.
Lesson in the process of learning: I don’t know. Do what’s in front you? Answer the call?
You know, my intention is not to sound whiny, but this year has been tough. Very tough. But it’s also been gloriously rich with blessings. First and foremost, I still have my mother, who is in fantastic health. I’m in good health and of sound mind (despite what many of you might say). And there’s a small circle of friends who encourage and inspire me to be and do better. I hope in some way that I return the favor in kind.
Anyway . . . as for 2013, I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to leave a year in the past, but I’ll try to bring the lessons learned with me into 2014. I do hate do-overs. But when considering the alternative, I’ve very happy to have been around for every day of the year known as 2013. I’m also very grateful for God’s mercies. I’m also thankful for you. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
Friends, I wish you peace, love, contentment, good health, prosperity, and the fullness of God’s blessings now and throughout the new year!
An Encouraging Word: Why and How to Offer More Compliments
By Brett and Kate McKay, for The Art of Manliness.
“Idle words are characterless and die upon utterance. Evil words rankle for a while, make contentions, and then die. But the hopeful, kind, cheering word sinks into a man’s heart and goes on bearing fruit forever. How many beautiful written words—words in book and song and story—are still inspiring men and making the world fragrant with their beauty! It is just so with the words you write, not on paper, but on the hearts of men. I wish there were room to mention here the testimonies of great men to the power of some hopeful, encouraging word they had spoken to them in youth and in the days of struggle. But every autobiography records this thing. Booker T. Washington tells how the encouragement of General Armstrong saved the future for him. I know a young man who is to-day filling a large and useful place in the world, who was kept to his high purpose in a time of discouragement by just an encouraging word from a man he greatly admired. That man’s word will live and grow in the increasing influence of the younger man. This world is full of men bearing in their minds deathless words of inspiration heard in youth from lips now still forever. Speak hopeful words every chance you get. Always send your young friends from you bearing a word that they will take into the years and fulfill for you.”
—The Enlargement of Life (1903) By Frederick Henry Lynch